intimacy, aftersex, afterplay, aftercare, dating tips, sex, orgy, group sex, play time, soreness, irritation, BDSM

I brought my partner to an orgy to connect, but had a personal awakening instead

25 JULY 2024 EMMA COLANGELO

Chloe sat on the bed in the center of the room with all of us surrounding her: “My desires are for you to slowly remove my lingerie: I want to be fully naked by the time I take my blind fold off. I like sensual touch, nothing painful or too rough – but I do love the feeling of nails on my inner thighs. Annnnd I’m extremely bendy! So feel free to put my body into different shapes. My boundaries are that I don’t want to be penetrated by anything, no fingers or toys or anything like that.. Unless you’re my boyfriend or Emma.”

 

I spun to my partner and discreetly delivered a Nelson Muntz from the Simpsons-esque 'ha-ha!' directly into his ear. 

 

The game was “Sacred Slut,” and the rules were as follows: 

 

Each person takes a turn as the Sacred Slut. Once appointed, the Sacred Slut communicates their boundaries and desires. They are then blindfolded, and a timer determines the duration during which the group can interact with their body, strictly adhering to the established guidelines the Sacred Slut set forth.

 

The group was a mixed bag of experience. There were the old pros who clearly knew their way around a group sex encounter, and newcomers, like my partner and me, dipping our toes in for the first time. 

 

When my turn came, I felt so excited and terrified I could barely remember my own name – let alone what I would enjoy or not enjoy. I was in school to be a sex coach at the time, and I really didn’t want to seem out of my element. So I gave my very best seductive slide onto the bed and addressed the group, who were all very much already familiar with who I was:  

 

“Hi my name is Emma and I’m from New York” 

 

While I managed to recall my name and the basics of a group introduction, my mind failed to produce many specific helpful details about my boundaries or desires. Chloe's clear articulation of her wants and needs was a wake-up call. It made me realize that, even beyond this extremely stimulating environment, there were so many unexplored aspects of myself worth sharing with the group, far more interesting than my hometown. 

 

Ultimately, the experience was a net positive. I'd rate it a 7 out of 10, acknowledging both its potential for improvement and the fact that it could have been far worse. If I could travel back in time, here's the advice I'd offer my past self:

1. Become familiar with what “no” feels like in your body

I really believe we can’t know what “yes” feels like until we know what “no” feels like. Boundaries are our individual limits, and they exist without needing justification or explanation – they just are. 

Orgies contain many different moving factors, so a strong sense of your boundaries is essential. But many of us who weren't taught boundaries struggle to recognize them. Cultivating this awareness starts with identification: what is the felt sense of your boundaries being crossed? Do crossed boundaries trigger physical tension or specific emotions, thoughts, or impulses? Can I begin to cultivate awareness around this in my everyday life? 

But also, boundaries are an imperfect science. They aren’t static, and might vary based on context or who you are interacting with. They might get crossed. Maybe we didn’t even know we had a boundary until it has been crossed. Maybe our boundary isn't "I don't want that," but rather, "I don't want that in the specific way you are doing it." Be compassionate with yourself as you learn to navigate them. 

2. If you are with a partner, discuss boundaries & desires ahead of time

If you're attending an orgy with a plus one (or two, or three, etc.), navigating the boundaries within your relational dynamic is just as important as navigating your own. Consider whether you'd be comfortable watching your partner with someone else, and vice versa. Think about specific interactions that would feel hot or not hot. Remember, these feelings can change from moment to moment.

A helpful framework for communicating boundaries is the "stoplight system." Yellow means you might be nearing a boundary and should slow down or change course. Red means "stop," signaling a boundary has been reached. This language can be incredibly useful for navigating in-the-moment feelings and boundaries with your partner, especially in such a highly stimulating environment.

3. Follow your “yes”

What feels hot about group sex to you in the first place? Is it the novelty? The voyeurism? The exhibitionism? There are so many different experiences you can have during a group sex encounter that literally don’t even have to involve sex at all. A lot of people just go to orgies for the people watching! Getting specific with yourself can help guide you in the kind of experience you want to have: like a slutty compass. 

4. Stay curious

Orgies are a beautiful opportunity to witness people you wouldn’t normally witness in their erotic energy being erotic. Specifically it’s an opportunity to connect with different types of humans you aren’t normally relating to or knowingly attracted to sexually. So keep an open mind! Maybe there’s a sexual discovery in your future. Or maybe there will be people there you are simply not attracted to and that is okay too.  

5. Stay humorous

Sex is so weird, man. Weird stuff happens. Weird smells, weird body stuff. The more people you introduce, the more opportunities for weirdness. Humor is a powerful antidote to the unknown and the awkward, making them less intimidating and more approachable. Think of it as a big naked playdate. And remember, it should be fun! If it feels overstimulating or uncomfortable or simply not fun, listen to that instinct. 

 

I think the journey of finding the Sacred Slut within happened when I realized it was okay to feel out of my element. It was okay to feel overwhelmed. It was okay to change my mind about what I wanted. Because, yes of course orgies are about connecting with others, but they are also about staying connected to ourselves. That’s the secret other lesson games like “Sacred Slut” offer: the opportunity to explicitly tap into and express what our bodies desire and need to feel safe. 

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