18 JULY 2024 EMMA COLANGELO
I walked with my mother through the deli section as I sucked the living soul out of the girthiest half sour kosher pickle the world has ever seen (because that is the PROPER way to eat pickles, goddamnit.)
My mother looked at me, horrified, as she swiftly extracted the pickle from the vacuum sealed choke hold of my lips.
“Emma, don’t be VULGAR. We are going to talk about this later.”
And we did talk about it later. I’ll never forget it: that was the day I would learn pickles weren’t the only phallices I could suck the living soul out of. My mom would warn me of the degrading nature of blow jobs and the types of girls who get swindled into giving them.
…Much to her dismay, I did not buy it. I scoured the deepest corners of Tumblr and LiveJournal for advice. I read hundreds, no thousands, of Cosmopolitan Magazine’s tips to “blow his mind.” After doing a dissertation’s worthy amount of research, there was one key ingredient that stood out above everything else: enthusiasm.
From that framework, giving pleasure has never felt degrading to me. In fact, it would go on to become one of the only aspects of my relationship to sexuality that felt consistently uncomplicated and, dare I say it, empowering.
So, can giving head help us get out of our heads? I vote: with the right ingredients, fuck yes. Here are my secrets to blowing your own mind with blow jobs (and inevitably also their minds, duh):
1. Connect to your sensual body
As you connect with your partner, see if you can stay connected with yourself and notice what you are feeling sitting (or kneeling) before them. What parts of this experience connect you to your own arousal? Maybe you are feeling turned on by the energy of benevolent generosity, and you can’t wait to shower your partner in devotion and pleasure– like an angel of dicks. Or maybe you are feeling turned on by the sheer power you wield over them between your lips – like a dick sorceress. How does it affect the way your body moves? How does it manifest in your gaze? In other words, what does the present moment and partner bring alive in you and how would it feel to embody that?
2. Attune to your partner
Attunement, rooted in empathy, describes how responsive one person is to another person through understanding and responding to their verbal and nonverbal cues. The more we connect with our own emotions and bodily sensations, the better equipped we are to attune to others, because we become able to read them cognitively with our minds and feel them viscerally with our bodies.
When giving head, there are more obvious things you can notice and attune to: their breathing, their noises, their verbal indicators (i.e. “yes,” “holy sh*t,” “you’re so hot… you get it), muscle contractions, etc. A less obvious factor to attune to is: does my partner feel connected to me and the experience of the present moment? If the answer is no, maybe give a little check in.
A check in could look like: slowing down, breathing together, or verbally asking your partner how things are going for them.
3. Touch for your own pleasure
Great head is not just about mouth game, it is also very much about hand game… But we don’t need to overthink it. We just need to follow our own pleasure in exploring our partner’s entire body, not just their genitals. We can easily get caught up in how we think our partner wants to be touched, rather than simply enjoying the act of touching them. Our focused desire is one of the greatest gifts we give our partners, and we tap into that by following what feels good for us.
Touch your partner with intention. Allow your hands, or face, or chest (the list goes on) to really feel their skin. Take your time sinking into how good it feels to make them feel good.
4. Communicate!
I hate puzzles and I love spoilers, which means I ask questions like: “would you be down to show me the way you masturbate?” I’ve learned people can actually be pretty specific in the pressure they like, the way they position their hands, and the pace they prefer at different levels of arousal. It can be really helpful (and hot) to be in very direct communication about that. Maybe even try incorporating verbal direction into your collective arousal of the experience by allowing them to guide through escalating levels of intimacy.
Open communication before giving head or any sexual experience can be a game-changer, giving your nervous system the opportunity to relax and feel safe. Discussing desires, boundaries, and potential fears creates this space.
Cosmo would never say this, because they’d sell a lot less magazines: it's not about a technique, it's about our own desire. If giving head feels degrading or you can't connect to your own desire, that is okay and totally normal. Society has given us lots of weird narratives around blow jobs, and there are countless other ways to bring each other pleasure.
Because what we are really giving someone when we give them pleasure is the visceral experience of being wanted. In order for us to master that, all we have to do is really, genuinely, want it.
My mother looked at me, horrified, as she swiftly extracted the pickle from the vacuum sealed choke hold of my lips.
“Emma, don’t be VULGAR. We are going to talk about this later.”
And we did talk about it later. I’ll never forget it: that was the day I would learn pickles weren’t the only phallices I could suck the living soul out of. My mom would warn me of the degrading nature of blow jobs and the types of girls who get swindled into giving them.
…Much to her dismay, I did not buy it. I scoured the deepest corners of Tumblr and LiveJournal for advice. I read hundreds, no thousands, of Cosmopolitan Magazine’s tips to “blow his mind.” After doing a dissertation’s worthy amount of research, there was one key ingredient that stood out above everything else: enthusiasm.
From that framework, giving pleasure has never felt degrading to me. In fact, it would go on to become one of the only aspects of my relationship to sexuality that felt consistently uncomplicated and, dare I say it, empowering.
So, can giving head help us get out of our heads? I vote: with the right ingredients, fuck yes. Here are my secrets to blowing your own mind with blow jobs (and inevitably also their minds, duh):
1. Connect to your sensual body
As you connect with your partner, see if you can stay connected with yourself and notice what you are feeling sitting (or kneeling) before them. What parts of this experience connect you to your own arousal? Maybe you are feeling turned on by the energy of benevolent generosity, and you can’t wait to shower your partner in devotion and pleasure– like an angel of dicks. Or maybe you are feeling turned on by the sheer power you wield over them between your lips – like a dick sorceress. How does it affect the way your body moves? How does it manifest in your gaze? In other words, what does the present moment and partner bring alive in you and how would it feel to embody that?
2. Attune to your partner
Attunement, rooted in empathy, describes how responsive one person is to another person through understanding and responding to their verbal and nonverbal cues. The more we connect with our own emotions and bodily sensations, the better equipped we are to attune to others, because we become able to read them cognitively with our minds and feel them viscerally with our bodies.
When giving head, there are more obvious things you can notice and attune to: their breathing, their noises, their verbal indicators (i.e. “yes,” “holy sh*t,” “you’re so hot… you get it), muscle contractions, etc. A less obvious factor to attune to is: does my partner feel connected to me and the experience of the present moment? If the answer is no, maybe give a little check in.
A check in could look like: slowing down, breathing together, or verbally asking your partner how things are going for them.
3. Touch for your own pleasure
Great head is not just about mouth game, it is also very much about hand game… But we don’t need to overthink it. We just need to follow our own pleasure in exploring our partner’s entire body, not just their genitals. We can easily get caught up in how we think our partner wants to be touched, rather than simply enjoying the act of touching them. Our focused desire is one of the greatest gifts we give our partners, and we tap into that by following what feels good for us.
Touch your partner with intention. Allow your hands, or face, or chest (the list goes on) to really feel their skin. Take your time sinking into how good it feels to make them feel good.
4. Communicate!
I hate puzzles and I love spoilers, which means I ask questions like: “would you be down to show me the way you masturbate?” I’ve learned people can actually be pretty specific in the pressure they like, the way they position their hands, and the pace they prefer at different levels of arousal. It can be really helpful (and hot) to be in very direct communication about that. Maybe even try incorporating verbal direction into your collective arousal of the experience by allowing them to guide through escalating levels of intimacy.
Open communication before giving head or any sexual experience can be a game-changer, giving your nervous system the opportunity to relax and feel safe. Discussing desires, boundaries, and potential fears creates this space.
Cosmo would never say this, because they’d sell a lot less magazines: it's not about a technique, it's about our own desire. If giving head feels degrading or you can't connect to your own desire, that is okay and totally normal. Society has given us lots of weird narratives around blow jobs, and there are countless other ways to bring each other pleasure.
Because what we are really giving someone when we give them pleasure is the visceral experience of being wanted. In order for us to master that, all we have to do is really, genuinely, want it.
