Rawdogging: a date without alcohol, a flight without a movie, a run without headphones—also known as monotasking. It’s the opposite of multitasking, where you fully immerse yourself in one task (or, in dating, one person) without any external distractions. In Buddhism, this practice is called mindfulness—paying full attention to the present moment without judgment.
The idea is that without constant external stimulation, the mind can process information more clearly and efficiently. As a sex and dating coach, I found myself a little disappointed that I wasn’t more bought into this idea—or that I hadn’t had a broader range of intimate experiences with sober dating to begin with.
So, for the sake of research and personal growth, I decided to dive in and explore what exactly the crutch of mezcal soda was really offering me in my romantic interactions.
I met my date at the entrance of the fair. As I walked towards him, sober realization #1 hit me: he was hot enough that, with a couple of shots, I wouldn’t care if he had a terrible personality. If we were drunk and I didn’t enjoy talking to him, I could just make out with him. But sober? That wasn’t an option, because the discerning part of my brain—the part that cringes when people say annoying things—was still fully activated. Which meant that any connection (or lack thereof) would have to blossom from a place of emotional compatibility, not just physical attraction.
I quickly learned he didn’t have a shitty personality. He was charming, passionate, thoughtful even, in that way that’s just a little too rare these days. But that’s when sober realization #2 came along: I had to be fully engaged with no alcohol buffer, no adhd zoning out while sipping a drink. I had to sit in the conversation—through those awkward first date pauses, nervous smirks—and be present.
Turns out, silence is a whole different beast when you're sober. I realized that when the conversation hit a lull, my instinct was to fill it. Normally, a drink in hand would give me a second to sip and buy some time to think. But now? I was rawdogging the silence too. And you know what? It wasn't terrible. In fact, it gave me space to notice how comfortable (or not) I felt with him when the words weren't flowing. I didn’t feel the need to perform or overcompensate with chatter. I could just sit there and observe: the sounds of the fair, the energy between us, how he was handling the quiet. It was like an emotional compatibility test I didn’t know I was taking.
This brings me to sober realization #3: Without alcohol to blur the edges, I was hyper-aware of my own feelings and reactions. There was no warm buzz to gloss over anything that felt off. I noticed the little things: how much I liked his sense of humor, how comfortable I felt being myself, and how I didn’t need alcohol to enjoy the moment. It was refreshing, in a slightly uncomfortable, “Oh, this is what it’s like to be a fully-functioning adult” kind of way.
We rode a few rides, shared a corn dog, and didn’t just survive a slightly sketchy Ferris wheel— but had a carnie-approved first kiss on it. And through it all, I was present. Not in the I’m analyzing everything you’re saying because I’m stone-cold sober and bored way, but in a I’m actually enjoying this date for what it is way.
And that’s when it hit me: sober dating isn’t about depriving yourself of fun. It’s about clarity. It’s about being fully aware of who you are, who your date is, and whether or not there’s something real between you—without the fog of alcohol to make things blurry or more palatable.
By the end of the night, I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it. Did I miss my mezcal soda? A little. But I also walked away knowing that if there was a second date, it wouldn’t be because I was drunk and distracted. It would be because we actually connected.
Even if I’m not always sober on future dates (and I will not be), I want to carry this level of intention with me. Without presence and intention, our connections and our lives can pass us by in a blur. When we allow ourselves to slow down into silence, attune to ourselves and the people in front of us, and honestly reflect on how we are feeling – dating becomes more than just physical chemistry or filling space with easy conversation. Because at the end of the day, whether I’m sipping a mezcal soda or not, what I’m really after is a connection that doesn’t need a buzz to feel real.
