FEBRUARY 26, 2025 | EMMA COLANGELO
"I like them but how do I express that without being too much?" My best friend texted me this at 2 AM, and I couldn't help but laugh at how perfectly it captured the modern dating dilemma. I had a revelation while watching her agonize over how long to wait before texting her crush back. "I don't want to seem too eager," she sighed, staring at her phone like it might attack her. And there it was – that word that haunts so many of us in the dating world: "too." Too eager, too intense, too vulnerable, too much.
Let's be real: we're in an intimacy drought. We all feel it. And maybe that's because we're all playing by these arbitrary rules that some mysterious sky daddy (hello, media overlords) gave us about how we're supposed to act around each other. Maybe it's time to be like, "you know what? Fuck you and fuck those rules?"
As a sexologist, I spend my life studying human connection. As a human being, I somehow spend even more time getting it wrong. Here's what I've learned: all those magazines telling you to wait three days to call back or to play hard to get? They're selling you a performance, not a connection.
The truth is, flirting isn't about winning someone's attention – it's about sharing your authentic erotic energy and seeing if it resonates with theirs. It's less "how can I make you want me?" and more "here's who I am, let's see if we vibe."
Let's talk about the elephant in the room: rejection. It's the universal boogeyman of dating, the thing that keeps us all – regardless of gender, age, or how many rodeos we’ve attended – playing it safe. And here's the really vulnerable truth: rejection terrifies us because somewhere deep down, we're not fully convinced that other people's opinions don't define our worth. When someone's "no" has the power to make us question our entire value as a human being, of course we're going to triple-check our texts and overthink every interaction. We're not just risking a date – we're risking our whole sense of self.
Dr. Brené Brown's research shows that vulnerability – the willingness to be seen fully – is terrifying precisely because it's the birthplace of connection. We're all walking around with our hearts in our hands, pretending they're safely tucked away in our chest cavities, desperately hoping no one notices how much power they have to hurt us.
So how do we move past this fear? Bell hooks, in her book "All About Love," suggests that love is an action, not a feeling. Maybe authentic flirting works the same way – it's not about feeling confident enough to make a move, but about choosing to show up honestly despite our fears.
Here's what that might look like in practice:
Instead of calculating the perfect response time, ask yourself: "What do I genuinely want to say to this person?" Then say it. Maybe it's a thoughtful observation about something they mentioned. Maybe it's sharing how their smile made your day brighter. The key is that it comes from a place of truth, not strategy.
Dr. John Gottman's research, though focused on long-term relationships, offers wisdom here too. He found that successful relationships start with "bids" for connection – small moments of reaching out. Authentic flirting is making these bids without armor on, letting your interest be visible.
I told someone their music made my heart beat faster really quickly into our interaction. Was it "too much"? Maybe. But it was true, and that truth created a moment of real connection that no carefully crafted pickup line could have achieved. And you know what, we totally kissed.
Here's your permission slip to stop playing the game. Instead of asking "Am I coming on too strong?" try asking "Am I being genuine?" Stop performing desirability and start expressing desire. Because here's what nobody tells you in those dating strategy guides: your authenticity is magnetic. Your enthusiasm is attractive. Your "too much" might be exactly what someone else has been looking for.
The next time you feel that flutter of connection, try this: take a deep breath, acknowledge your fear of rejection (hey there, old friend), and share one honest thing. Not because it's guaranteed to work, but because showing up as yourself is always worth it.
After all, isn't the whole point of flirting to find someone who likes you for you? Maybe it's time we started acting like it.
